If you know me in real life you might say I am doing pretty good for myself. That I am coping well these days. You could say "She works, is going to school, goes to church, coaches her daughters' baseball team, is raising her kids like nothing has happened"
The truth is I am just creating distractions. I just add more things to my plate to stop me from remembering the pain of the years of my adult life. Mind you this does go on further then just Matthew passing away.
I am still grieving his death. That is always going to be true. I am also grieving my girls losing another father figure. I am creating distractions from remember I am a single parent because my girl's dad wanted to choose drugs over all his daughters and now, he is doing 19 years. I am also distracting myself to not think about all the mail that comes in that I am solely responsible for. I keep my mind busy to so, I don't keep replaying how my mother had to watch scream and cry on her sofa because I was kicked out of the hospital by his family. I think about how I allowed myself to be disrespected by people in my lives who had no right to me. Past lovers, friends and even society.
You could be reading that and think well that is life. Get over it. "Cry on the inside like a winner" That/ this is life. You are 100 percent accurate about that. I have to get over it but how do you get over feeling like you have failed? How do you get over what your mind tells you? How do I keep pretending that I am okay when really, I am dead inside? How do I stop every traumatic event from playing on repeat in my head?
I just create distractions.
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