I am in a never-ending nightmare. I hate that this nightmare isn't a dream I am not going to wake up because I am already awake. I am trying to be strong, and I want to be strong but sitting at my daughter graduation and seeing my daughters awards it's like I am doing it all alone again.
I was single for two years before Matt. we reconnected right at the time where we both wanted more. We both wanted to be family and do family things together. I had been tired of doing events alone. Doing family holidays and gatherings alone.
Matt wanted to be a dad. He wanted to have a family. Coach the kids' team and show them things a father does. (he wasn't very handy by he tried)
I'm sad I lost my person. I am sad my girls lost another father figure. I am sad that I am in the darkness, and I just want to get out of it for my kids to experience a real happiness. I want the anxiety and panic attacks gone.
This feeling of I am a failure just doesn't go away. Yes, before you all tell me I am so strong but when do I get to stop being strong. For the whole time with Matt, I actually got to be soft. I am back to this empty feeling, and I hate that he had to go but I know he was sick. I just wish I had more time.
I am a carousel of nightmare that doesn't stop It slows down for a while but starts right back up again and I am just dealing with demon after demon. I wish the ride would just stop of a minute
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