The worse part of death is those who are alive and hav e to deal with the grief. The guild i feel every day not because I did him wrong but for the fact that I am no sad and I can't feel happiness for long periods of time.
I sit there and laugh and joke and then once I am done laughing the pain sets back in. We try and stay distracted. We try and work through, but our legs start to shake, our skin feels hot, we start to feel lightheaded and next thing we know we are having a full-blown panic attack.
We can't work and we have to go home and then we think about the b ills that are piling up. The we think about the stuff in their name that family might want that they never contributed. The drama being the body where do we bury them, where do we place, them, who get the ashes.
It is all very sad and disgusting but we all we can really be is sad. Then the guilt kicks in again because we have family and friends and bills and children who need us to keep going and we cannot always be sad. They don't want us to e sad and they don't us to keep it bottled in, but we do because again we don't want to feel the guilt of being sad.
If you are reading this, be fucking sad if you need to be sad. Once you're done screaming or crying or breaking shit then clean your face and get too normal even if it's just for a day or two. Repeat the process for as long as you need until you feel better just DONT GIVE UP!
I LOVE YOU MATTHEW VALADEZ!
ONE DAY WE WILL SPEND ETERNITY TOGETHER!!
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