I admit I have had this pain in my chest that has not gone away. It's not something you can fix or go to the doctor to discuss. It's an emptiness that I know is there and that was filled by the love me, and Matthew had for each other.
It is a pain that I know won't ever go away but with time will become less noticeable. It brings along the nauseous feeling I get every time I force myself to eat. Every time I see food. Even when I see water. The feeling I get when I am answering questions and saying I'm okay because I am not okay, but I am okay enough.
This pain is not like any other and if you have lost someone then you know exactly what I am talking about. You know the deep growing hole that cannot be filled by anything else than by having your person back.
My person is not coming back. I can't sit and pretend. I can be in denial. Even though I heard his voice this morning. Even though I could hear him talking. I knew it wasn't him but the image and memories I had of him waking everyone up in the morning.
That's when the pain in my chest is the most painful. When our normal routines are no longer normal but memories and as I adjust to my new normal, I ask for patience. Then, again you don not owe me anything. I owe myself to be patient and take it moment by moment, day by day. Second by second.
I keep trying to apologize for how I am feeling but I don't need to apologize to anyone because no one will apologize to me for what has happened because no one is at fault this is life. We are born to die. That is exactly what Matthew did.
He was born lived his life how he wanted and then he died.
If this is too hard to handle, then I recommend stop reading what I am posting because here I won't filter out my thoughts. Here I won't tell you what you want to hear.
Here is where I will pour my heart out because who is even reading this.
Probably nobody and that's okay but here is where I begin to heal.
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