It has been a while since I have admitted to myself that I am just pretending I am doing better. When in reality waking up with a hang over and feeling completely empty inside what the startling truth that I am just falling into past habits to help deal with my true feelings. I am not okay. I have not been okay for a while. I am better than I was 90 days ago, but I am still not truly happy. How can I be? I lost Matthew. It was not just him dying. It was my comfort, my support, my person, my comedian, my forever date.
It is also the fact that losing him reminds me of everything else I have once loved and cherished and lost in my life. It is not just about him. I want to make that really clear to those who read this. The problem is with losing Matthew I have been forced to face all types of past child and adult hood traumas.
I have done a lot of dumb and stupid things growing up and I feel know like everything is coming up to the surface because it is like I have to face reality. I cannot explain why this is all happening, but what I can admit is that wearing a mask daily of me being happy, funny, cute, thriving and healing are all just that exact. Mask. Mask of what I wish I could really feel, because deep down I am drowning with my own memories of past regrets.
I know I cannot change them. I know I need to face them in order to move on a heal from it all. The scars just feel so real and deep. The scars are just now ripping open and bleeding. I have been covering them with different forms of bandages. Sex, drugs, drinking, sports, school, new hobbies I can no longer run from the demon's that I keep trying to trap away and cover up with different distractions.
I guess this is the chapter in my life where I really take a look at everything and remember that "every sinner has a future, and every saint has a past" (quote by unknown). I am going to have really stop chasing quick gratification if I really want to be able to survive this time in my life.
This is just something for me! To be a better me! A renewed me! A freed me!
Comments