I'm Never Really Breathing

May 21,2024 It hasn't even been a week so, how much could I have really healed right?

I haven't stopped counting the days. They are all just fading into each other day by day. I stopped writing on his page because my daughters asked me not to be so sad.

I have to remember it wasn't just me who lost him.

I think the pain is just different for everyone. I lost my person. I haven't even been really breathing. My body is just going through the motions. I am grateful that it is an automatic thing. I don't have to control it. The rest of me I have to control. The thinking, the moving, the eating, showering and functioning.

I never thought I would have to force myself out of bed and to shower. I also don't want to be a burden to friends as the sad friend who can't let it go. So, I pretending I am breathing when really I'm not. My body is just naturally doing it. It isn't me.

I started breathing May 16, 1989 when I was born and I stopped breathing May 16, 2024 when Matthew passed. I'm not breathing it's my body just naturally doing it. I'm never really breathing.

I love you baby so much! One day we will spend eternity together!