When you start to make changes in your life after something dramatic or chaotic has happen you really start to lose connections with friends and family. I can say I have been through a mess of things, but losing Matthew was the worse. I since then have reassessed my relationship with God.
For many years I was angry at God for one having my daughter's father being an addict. For making go through such a hard time when I was in my early twenties. I blamed him for being homeless, not having any pride in myself, for not having the strength to ask for help because I was embarrassed of how my life had turned out.
During the days of Matthew dying, he told me with the most certainty "I saw Heaven and it was beautiful" That made me turn back to the church and find peace with him. That is exactly what I did.
Now, let me tell you the amount of people who have mocked me or even questioned me has been outrageous. I was always invited out to the bar to drink, meet up with guys who had no interest in me but to have relations with me, even offered to do drugs that I have vowed to stop doing.
The amount of realization of becoming aware of those around me is something I could not see before. I am never going to say I am better than anyone because to each their own. What I will say is I have stuck by friends who have gone through so much and now when I have a new journey I am walking have kind of turned away from me because I have changed.
Yes, I have changed I am no longer angry, sad, depressed or envious of others. I was in darkness most of my teenage and early adulthood life and use every reason to use or excessively drink but now I am doing something for me and my girls that can only give our life more value and these friends are now awkward with me.
I will admit the main group of friends that I have had my whole life have been the beacon for me during all times and if you all are reading this. I love you all. I love my family who have helped me along the way and never gave up their faith in hopes that I have found mine.
Before I end this just know I am sinner, and I will always be a sinner, but I am working my way to walk the right path of life not for anyone else but myself.
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