Tomorrow Matthew would have been 34. I have been filled with anxiety counting down the days. I don't purposely count it just has now kind of happen. I don't know what is to think. I have been crying tonight and am on my 3rd drink of the night. So, I am feeling a little warm on the inside.
I have been thinking it should be easier. I should be further progressed in my grieving process but that is not how grief works. It is a never-ending cycle. It is a constant rollercoaster.
Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel like I have my life all together.
Tonight is not that day. Tonight, I sat in his car and cried till my eyes were swollen and my face was hot, and my head hurt.
It is also a reminder of those who want to compete with who is more sad or depressed. Which is really weird if you ask me. This isn't a competition. The pain everyone feels is different. The reality of it is. We will never know how much someone is hurting. It is not a competition. If you think it is a competition you must be demented.
Today was a hard day. Tomorrow will be even harder, and I will have to put on a brave face and try to get through it.
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