I am going to feel everything and nothing all at once.
I am guessing this is part of the grieving or healing process. How do I even know the difference? The truth is I don't know. I can't feel anything, but I can feel everything at the same time. I know you are thinking "what the hell are you talking about?"
The truth is I don't know what I am talking about. I don't know anything. I am just going day by day and hoping one day I have the realization that I am okay, or I have healed. I really don't know.
I am very certain that I have come into this phase where I want to know answers. Should I get my cards read. Should I see a medium. Should I start looking for Quiej board? Okay. I wouldn't go that far. But that is what I have been thinking about a lot lately.
I guess this is me trying to hold on. Trying to figure out what happened to his spirit and his soul. Is it just me being selfish? I don't know. I can say I admit I am trying to rush this whole healing and grieving process so I can be at okay with my new normal. I should probably stop trying to rush it but the truth is I can't. It is just happening all the time in my own head.
I have heard several counselors say "the worse place is to be in your own head with emotions you don't understand"
So, today I will start looking for a counselor for me and my girls. See how it works out. See if it helps or see if it's just a bunch of bullshit. We will only know once we get there.
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